Men over 40 not married, Date-able, Debate-able, or Un-date-able?

single over 40 man

Are all unmarried men over 40 commitment phoebes?  Or just getting a bad rap?  Author Carl Weismen, the man who literally wrote the book on men who never marry,  “So why have you never been married?”  Subsequently found the love of his life and got married four years ago at age 50.  He said that if he had not met her he probably would still be single.  Yes folks, when you meet the one it changes everything.

Dr. Monica Oneal, is a Harvard trained psychologist in Boston.  A city she says that has a high number of eligible, (meaning good catches on paper).  That is, never married people ranging in age from mid 30’s to late 40’s.  She says that most guys approaching 40 who’ve never been married are likely to stay that way.

According to a not so scientific study conducted by author John T. Malloy and cited on the site “Dating Without Drama.”  He says until men reach the age of 37, they remain very good prospects.  After age 38 the chances they’ll ever marry drop dramatically.  The chances that a man will marry for the first time diminish even more once he turns 42 or 43.  At this point many men become confirmed bachelors.  Men who want to enjoy the intimacy of a lifetime commitment in marriage will likely be married younger.  Dr Oneal offers this explanation, not as an excuse:  Men who have long term relationships without (conscious or unconscious) intentions to marry, may have what psychologist call an avoidance attachment style when it comes to intimacy.

Un-date-able.  They may enjoy having relationships and sex but struggle with the requirements of husband hood and fatherhood that marriage requires.  So they hear the tune but are not willing to pay the piper.  So anyway, women that get involved with these types of men are doing themselves a disservice by dating and accepting these individuals into your life.  Skip the heartbreak and find a man on the same page as you.  A man who wants the same things you want, and if he doesn’t then he’s not for you.  It’s really as simple as that.  You see these men are doing what’s best for them and you have to do what’s best for you.  Don’t allow a man to treat you as a temp service when you’re looking for full time.  Bottom line is these men are Un-date-able.

Debate-able.  Our society pities the poor single people who pass their 40th birthday without ever having tied the knot.  Since research has shown that never married adults have more health woes than married folks.  And “isn’t there something wrong with those who decide to go at it alone anyway?”  A new study done by the National Survey of Midlife Development, surveyed Americans age to 40 to 74. Their study may debunk this theory.  For most people, marriage might be a desirable goal.  But there is a subset of people, the ultra independent individuals for whom this may not be the best life course.  They have developed a high self-sufficiency the longer they stayed single.  High levels of self-sufficiency may work against people in marriage.

For marriage to work well, you need a certain amount of interdependence.  It could explain why some never-married people decided not to wed.  The study showed three different areas applicable to the decision not to marry.

#1  Personal Mastery.  Having complete control over your life.  Honestly if you’re a control freak, marriage is not for you.  If you want complete control get a dog.

#2  Focus on  Self.  We have become a selfish society with our focus turned inward.  You can certainly choose to do anything you want, “but no man is an island”.  And if dying alone is attractive to you then go for it.

#3 Self Sufficiency.  This mostly has to do with “autonomy”.  What’s autonomy?  Autonomy in the dictionary is described as the capacity of a rational individual to make an informed un-coerced decision.

You also have guys who are simply scared of taking the plunge for fear of divorce and loosing hard earned money.  But I say man up, this to me is kind of a cop out, I say no risk no reward.  When you love you risk being vulnerable and this applies to men and women.  This culture of self in American society applies to women as well.  Due to education and social standing, the statistics on the marriage landscape have changed dramatically over the years.  In 1950 the rate of marriage was 78%, today it is 48%.  In times past marriage was culturally mandatory, today it has become optional.  However, on the flip side in a woman’s case the longer a woman delays marriage the lower her chances of divorce are.  So there’s something to be said about being older and wiser.

Date-able.  It’s unfair to stigmatize everyone over 40 and unmarried.  Every person is an individual case.  Some men are simply not there yet.  So when you see a guy over 40 without a ring you can’t automatically assume he’s a looser.  Because society equates men who are married as being responsible, dependable, able to make a commitment.  And an individual that has come full circle in his life and overall is more attractive.  There are several reasons that do not have anything to do with being a commitment phoebe that may explain why he is not married at the moment.

Such as: he may be divorce, widowed, establishing his career, stabilizing finances, single dad raising small children or paying off debt.  These are all legitimate reasons.  It’s also wisdom to want to be fiscally responsible before entering into marriage.  These men are worth dating and getting to know.  Women always guard your heart.  Relationship exposes you.  It won’t take very long to find out if you’re on the same page.  If you’re not, simply turn the page.  A lot of men are simply waiting for the one.  Real love is elusive.  You could be the one.  Be the type of woman he can’t live without.  The woman of faith has to rest in the fact that God has a mate and a plan for your life.  It may not come when YOU want it , but it will be on time.  Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord! and lean not to your own understanding.”

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Proverbs 3:15,  “She is more precious than rubies and nothing you desire can compare to her.”

I heard a story the other day of a man in his forties,  a confirmed bachelor.  He had an accident driving home late one night.  A car slammed into him and he was hurt badly and had to stay in the hospital for a month.  There was no one to come and see him.  He wasn’t close with his family and had no woman in his life while he was in there.   He had time to think, and he said he realized that if he had died no one would know.  It changed his thinking.  Now today he is married with children.  Here’s what I think.   These so-called confirmed bachelors that are content today will one day see the light later in their life.   Because no man wants to die alone!  Which is exactly what will happen.  Prior to dying alone they will be the old man gumming his food in the nursing home and or the old man feeding the birds in the park.  In the meantime while they’re figuring it out, you partner with someone that loves and cherishes you and will commit to you .

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Verse of the day:  Ecclesiastes 4: 9-11 , Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor.  For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up.  Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;  But how can one be warm alone?

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2 thoughts on “Men over 40 not married, Date-able, Debate-able, or Un-date-able?

  1. My journey has been quite different. As a woman proposed to by many sociopaths, I was smart enough to walk away, do the work, figure out why I attracted them, and now most sociopaths end up on the curb before I can sneeze. So now that I get it, I’m ready, it’s just that even Christian men today fall short of being decent. I find they still chase women half their age and get involved in faulty relationships with unhealthy partners. So that leaves me wondering, where do I go from here. I live in a clique state with more women than men, too normal for my own good, and no prospects over 50.

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    • Hi Mari,
      Thank you for your comment. First off I want to congratulate you for doing the work on yourself. Finding that special someone with whom we fit remains illusive. The men you mentioned who are looking for women half their age, or for whatever reason are not good suitors that’s okay. Because your NOT looking for them anyway! And I believe that there are suitable, decent Christian men out there in their 40’s and 50’s. I know you are a woman of faith or else you wouldn’t have been drawn to the site. So your going to have to exercise your faith while you wait. That’s when you need faith, when situations are difficult and we’re not sure about the outcome. Faith is now! Now faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen, Hebrews 11:1. When all else fails turn to God! Actually we should turn to Him in the first place but we’re still learning. So cast your care on God, 1 peter 5:7 and pray about the type of man you want. In God’s timing He will bring him. It may sound cliche but its 100% true. I didn’t meet my husband until after 40! I had been on a journey with God of bettering myself and when He felt I was ready he bought the right man to me. I’m glad I waited until later in life to marry. Because by that time you have life and relationship experience. You know what works for you and what doesn’t. In the mean time some practical advice that I can give to you is. #1 Read SCW’s “Are you dating a Gentlemen” type it into the search box. #2 Give “Our time” a try, an online dating site exclusively for people 50 and over! #3 Protect yourself emotionally by having standards and non – negotiables. #4 Remember that woman is the prize to be won and a man must prove himself to earn the respect of his woman! And last but not least be open to someone who’s company you enjoy who may be a little different from your “list”. Remember All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose! Romans 8:28
      SCW

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