Can a Christian Woman be a Cougar?

Update: Be sure to check out our new “Cougar” post of July 2017, click here! Thanks

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Today’s hot topic is Cougars!   More importantly can a Christian Woman Be a Cougar?  In today’s discussion topic we’ll explore this hot topic.  There are so many diverse reactions to these types of relationships.  People either love them or are a strongly opposed to them.  Although I don’t think this issue is total black and white.  On the one hand the secular world doesn’t have any rules so all is fair game.  But as Christian women we live our lives according to the word of God.  Is a Christian woman breaking a rule or worse having a sinful relationship with a younger man?

Personally I never read anything specific on it in the Bible.  SCW prides itself on not being “Preachy”, but instead presenting information and letting you make up your own mind.  This one is a hard one because I think women just want to be “happy”.  Should you discriminate against someone because they’re younger if they make you happy?  Is it a sin that the person you love is younger?

Women are living longer and having children later.  They’re in their prime at 40 and beyond.  They’re thriving and they want someone to enjoy life with.  In some cases older men are just not keeping up with them.  If he’s not adventurous, and doesn’t want to enjoy life the way she wants, it can be a problem. Those type of women find older men stuffy and unable to keep up with them sexually.  What I think is interesting to explore is the pros and cons of a cougar and younger man in a marital relationship.  The pros and cons for the woman in a cougar/ younger man relationship?  Biblical Roles?  Is it okay for a Christian woman to be a cougar?  What is it all about?  Can a Christian Cougar woman really find true love and lasting happiness with a younger man?  What do you think?

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Portrait of Puma cub, Puma concolor, 1 year old, sitting against

Christian Cougar Woman and Marriage

Couples with younger husbands violate social norms and thus suffer from social sanctions, says the Institute for Demographic Research.  Since marrying a younger man deviates from what is normal these couples can be what is regarded as outsiders and receive less social support. This could result in a less joyful and a more stressful life, reduced health, increased mortality.  Judgement aside, marriages in which the wife is older than her husband are more likely to be troubled.  A study in which wives were just a decade or more older than their husbands admitted to feeling a certain insecurity about aging.

Stress and insecurity is just never going to be a good thing in a relationship.  The couples also felt stigmatized by others, especially the wives.  Couples in marriages where the wife is just five years older than their husbands are three times more likely to divorce than couples of their own age.  A study at the University of Maine done on family relations and human sexuality concluded that society is not ready to accept December-May relationships, like they do May-December relationships.  And ultimately when a woman is older than her husband it will lead to divorce.  Men have been dating and marrying younger women for centuries, of course that’s long standing, a never ending double standard.

  •  Not forgetting the small percentage of marriages that have lasted 10 to 15 years and more.  For the ones that do make it work, why wouldn’t these younger men want to date theses women?  Women become more fascinating with age.  They know more people, they’ve been more places and read more books.  The younger man is just as eager to meet the older woman.  The word cougar has such a predatory connotation.  However, I’m not convinced it’s always like that.  69% of younger men have dated an older woman, and 27% of those relationships had an age gap of ten to twenty years.  In other cases I believe there are predatory young men that prey on older women for their money.

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Pros and Cons for the Woman in an older woman/ younger man relationship

  • Pros:

  •  The sex.  Men reach their sexual prime in their twenties due to a spike in testosterone.  While women typically reach theirs in their 30’s and 40’s.  Add to this the fact that he has more stamina and energy.  He is also thought to be more willing to try new things.  From a purely physical standpoint, it’s a great sexual match.
  • He’s fun to date.  Sure you’ll have dinner dates.  Your social time will be physically demanding.  A 10 mile hike one day, followed by a great indie rock rock concert the next.  Younger men are as adventurous outside the bedroom as they are inside.  And they’ll bring out a more youthful vibrant side of you.  He’ll see you as smarter and worldly and want to please you. Make you feel appreciated.
  • Less Baggage.  Depending on how young he is he may or may not have been married, or have children yet.  Thus making him more carefree other than education and career.  Less baggage can also mean a lack of relationship skills such as communicating, solving problems and resolving conflicts.  Be selective about your battles and learn to compromise on things that aren’t vital to your relationship.

  • Cons:

  •  Lifestyle differences.  Many younger men are more connected with their peers than they are with the idea of being a couple.  If his friends are young and single and going out to bars till 4 a.m. drinking, flirting with women and behaving like a frat boy may be the norm.  So he may choose hanging with his bros over coming over to your place as often as you would like.  They don’t want to miss out on being part of the group from whom they derive their identity.
  • He’s scared of Commitment.  A younger man is developmentally in a different place.  He’s not ready for all the pressures and responsibility that go along with a committed relationship.  His emotional maturity is not fully developed yet.
  • Biology.  Younger men don’t have the dad gene in them until they become more established and mature.  So he’s not looking to start a family, or be a dad.
  • The Mommy complex.  Being older you’re more successful and established, while he’s still climbing the corporate ladder or even getting a career going.  So often carreers are at different stages. Which could lead to resentment on her part and can emasculate him and make him feel like he’s unable to provide for and protect you.  The woman may feel more like a sugar momma than an equal partner.  In some cases a guy is drawn to the woman who takes care of him because he still needs his mommy.  Being the breadwinner may not matter to you if say he makes dinner every night so that you don’t have to worry about cooking.  Or he’s a great handyman that has updated your entire house.  But only you can decide that.

 

  • Roles of Women and Men

The man is the protector and provider of the woman Biblically.  I think that whenever our roles become exchanged, blurred or unclear, or not thought of as a problem, there are always problems.  God’s roles for men and women represent order.  1 Corinthians 14:40,  “Let everything be done decently and in order.”

The choice is up to the woman.  I think ultimately she has to do what’s best for her and also be able and ready to deal with the consequences of it not working out.  We’ve seen the fastest growth spike in these types of relationships between 1995 and 2007.  It’s growing more rapidly and has found it’s way into pop culture via shows like Courtney Cox’s, “Cougar Town” and “Extreme Cougar Wives”.  It’s not new it’s just more prevalent now.  This phenomenon is here to stay.

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Kim Parrish October 2009-1

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Verse Of the Day: Romans 5:8, “God demonstrated his own love toward us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.”

 

Thoughts or comments on this post?  We’d love to hear from you.
Click the “Leave a Comment” link below.  

12 thoughts on “Can a Christian Woman be a Cougar?

  1. I was against it into my twenties, dating a younger man but now that I am middle aged I think it is a good idea. Not fifteen years younger, older men are set in their ways. In some cultures men take less care of their bodies, eat nonsense, drink too much soda and alcohol, don’t exercise. Also taking a laxative at least every six months is part of a healthy lifestyle. Some live wildly with women then their bodies become run down they are impotent and want their women to be miserable along with them. LOll!

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    • Hi there Happey67,
      Thank you for your comment. Happy Good Friday! Sorry for the slow reply its been a busy week, but I like to read and respond to every comment personally. Yes, a woman likes for a man to take care of himself, be active and have fun and If a woman is taking care of herself she wants the same and there’s totally nothing wrong with younger men. Like you said you don’t want to go “too” young but a young man that is mature that you like to spend time with. Just make sure that the relationship is on your own terms,in other words protect yourself emotionally by being realistic about the relationship and your motives for doing so. God wants you blessed!

      Thanks for reading SCW
      Happy Easter!

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  2. I know I am a little late on the conversation. I have been seeing a younger man now for two years. We love each other but our age difference has presented some challenges recently. He wants to be single and hang out. So we are currently not seeing each other that much. I want to marry him but know he is not ready. So I am letting him enjoy his life. No relationship is easy and this one has been by far the best for me. So yes I would date another younger man.

    Fedora

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    • Hi there,
      Thank you for your comment. There was an overwhelming response to the cougar post. So this is obviously something women have given a lot of thought to and are open to. The Bible doesn’t say anything against it.I think that if the man that makes a woman happy happens to be younger than good for her.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Monique,
        Thank you for your comment.Yes a younger man can certainly be a protector.However it’s not Youth and muscles that makes a man a protector.A real protector is innate and instinctive in a man, it’s who he is. The kind of man that makes a woman surrender to the masculine energy. He takes his rightful (God given)place as leader and protector.So if a man has to be “guided and reminded” to be a protector, he obviously doesn’t have a clue and is not a leader or protector..
        SCW

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        • Hi,

          I understand what Monique is saying. Yes, he does have that innate and instinctive desire to lead and protect me. He does it when I am not aware but I have seen where he could use some guidance in situations he has not encountered before. Relationships are never easy at any age. I am not giving up on him because the love is geniune. I really appreciate the support.

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          • Hi Fedora, Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you get it. If your relationship is not all that you would like it to be, you should pray about it. God wants to be in on every aspect of your life. Especially the choosing of a mate. God knows what we need better than we do.
            God Bless you
            SCW

            Liked by 1 person

        • Hi Monique,
          Thank you for your comment. You’re missing the point entirely. So let me break it down to make it more clear. Ephesians 5:22 says: “Wives submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord! For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands love your wives just as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her.” So wives submit and husbands love. And if either one gets out of order they have God to answer to. That being said, you’re not unique, a lot of women have a problem with the words “surrender” and “submission” simply because they don’t understand the context. They “Think” submission is being weak. But it actually couldn’t be further from the truth. Submission is a choice. Many submissive women are very strong women who needed to find that balance. The definition of a submissive woman is: Strength under Control”. Many submissive women are powerful business women, CEO’s and in leadership positions. Using myself as an example. In my single life I was doing extremely well financially and running my own business. I’m a superrrrrr strong woman! Make no mistake about it. I didn’t even know what surrendering to the masculine energy was. I had to learn. My spirit was waiting for someone worthy of my submission! The problem is most women haven’t met a man like that. But when they do they will praise the Lord, for having met a “real man”. And it’s tough today, the pickings are slim and men don’t know the “Art” of how to treat a lady, (because it works both ways). First of all, you say you don’t want to surrender to anyone. You already have anytime and every time you sleep with a man your not married to! You’re just surrendering in the wrong context. Surrendering or submitting in the “Right” context is when you submit to the man that God has placed in your life as a leader and husband. What is a man for if not for strength!!! Now, I’m not insulting you. I’m telling you straight like it is! Furthermore, the bible says the truth is hidden from those that cannot see. In order to see things God’s way you have to, as James 4:10 says, “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and he will lift you up.” The definition of a healthy submissive: The healthy submissive is the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame her devotion is limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion which springs fourth her service. Romans 12:2, “So do not be conformed to this world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind!” My blog is about uplifting women and expanding their minds to a higher level of consciousness through God’s word. So if that’s not what you want then my blog is not a good fit for you and that’s fine. You can do what you want. But as for me and my house we WILL serve the Lord!!!! Joshua 24:15
          SCW

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  3. I am interested in this topic for my own life.
    So when I first read that the late Elisabeth Elliot was married at age fifty to a thirty year old man, frankly I was quite surprised. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I never got the impression anyone questioned it.
    Is he gay? That’s the foremost thought that came to my mind. (Just being honest here.) She was such s traditionalist it made no sense. But what a committed woman of God!
    Any thoughts on this? I am interested in younger men, myself.

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    • Hi Amy,
      Thanks for your comment on “Can a Christian woman be a Cougar”? God Bless the late Elisabeth Elliot a true woman of God. My take on the whole older woman younger man relationship is this: Whatever makes the woman happy. I get why an older woman would choose a younger man, I think there are legitimate reasons. For example if an older woman is healthy and vibrant and likes to have fun, and the men her age that she’s dated are a total snore, meaning they don’t want to go anywhere or do anything they just want to sit back in the rocking chair and die. Then yeah by all means choose someone who you can enjoy life with.

      Also it’s important to look at what the woman wants from that relationship, if it’s just sex, then obviously we know that’s not enough to maintain a relationship. My advice is to of course Be Smart! Do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. There are men who prey on older women for this reason. So choose a younger man that has his own life going on, someone who works, and doesn’t need to depend on you. He doesn’t have to be rich, He just needs to be stable. Even if you have more money than him, as a man he should still pay for dates. As for the question of Mrs. Elliot’s husband being gay, that I do not know, seems highly unlikely though, that’s not smart for a Christian woman on any level and I know she was a pretty smart lady. However if two adults enjoy each others company for all the right reasons I think it’s absolutely ok. There are younger intelligent men that simply prefer older women.
      Have a blessed day, SCW

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