Archive | July 2016

Scripture

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Affirmation

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Beach near San José del Cabo, Mexico at sunrise

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Summer Fling? Or the Real Thing?

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Summer romances can be tricky.  It’s one of the hardest seasons to tell if your impending courtship will be short lived or last beyond the season for the long haul.  The heat is on and it’s hunting season for the primal male.  Some men look at summer flings as an alternative to commitment.  Men can be really smooth at laying on the charm to reel you in.  So unless you want to be his fair weather friend, learn to spot if a relationship is a summer fling or the real thing.

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  • A fling.  Is careless and effortless with almost no effort made to impress.  Because after all flings have an ending, (usually bad).  They’re just a trade off for immediate fun instead of long term fulfillment.  What you may believe are “dates” are really just “hangouts”.   There is little chance you’re meeting the family, so don’t sell yourself short.  You deserve to be pursued, courted, and treated like a lady.  Anything less is waste of your time and you’ll wind up feeling empty inside.

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  •  The real thing.  A relationship is the real thing when two people bring emotional intimacy into the relationship.  Not sex.  Emotional intimacy means honesty and closeness and two people start to care about common interests.  It’s a “willful” thing meaning you are consciously making the decision to want to know about this person more than just a surface level.  They desire a companion for a long term relationship.
  • Smart tip of the day: Always remember that “Lust takes” and “Love gives”

Psalm 55:12, “His words are as smooth as butter yet war is in his heart.  His words are more soothing than oil yet they are drawn swords.”

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Verse of the Day:

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How to communicate your needs in a Relationship

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You have a right to ask for the things you need in a relationship.  In fact  you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to be clear about your needs.  Relying on mind reading to get your needs fulfilled can create feelings of anger and contempt.  If left unchecked this could even bring about the demise of your relationship.  To keep your relationship strong and happy it’s up to you to make your needs clearly known.

You are the expert on yourself, no one else, not even your partner can read your mind and know what you need in the way of support, intimate contact, time alone, domestic order, independence, sex, love financial security, etc..

So if articulating your needs is not something you’ve felt comfortable doing, how do you start going about it?  And how do you do it in a way that doesn’t create defensiveness and anger?  You want to present your needs in such a way that your partner will be willing to listen and fulfill those needs.

5 Things to keep in mind

  • Keep your tone of voice level and as calm as possible.  Don’t let anger or annoyance creep into your voice. Using even a slightly heated, annoyed, accusatory or patronizing tone, can escalate things into an unproductive argument.
  • Pick a time when your partner can give you their full attention.  You don’t want their annoyance about the circumstances to color how they receive your request.  Select a time when they are in a good mood and ready to listen.
  •  Start out by expressing a small need rather than a large contentious one.  This is especially true if your relationship has been struggling.  Once you start meeting each other’s needs successfully, you’ll be in a better position to tackle more polarizing problems.
  • Don’t feel like having to “ask” for something makes it less valuable.  (as if I shouldn’t have to ask)  If you want your needs met I think you should.  Don’t take the attitude of, “if he loved me he would know”, or if he wasn’t so selfish he’d just naturally do it.

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  • Request a change in behavior rather than attacking the person, and above all be specific. (Below are a few examples of what to say and how to say it.)

 

  • “You’re a slob, I want you to be neater.”  Instead say, “I would really like it and it would be helpful to me if you could put your dirty dishes away in the dishwasher and close the cabinets when you’re done.”
  • “I want you to be less critical of me.”  Instead say,  “It’s really hurtful when you make jokes about my weight.  I would appreciate it if you didn’t do that.”
  • “You don’t know how to demonstrate your love.”  Instead say, It would mean a lot to me if you would give me a kiss when I came home from work and ask me how my day was.”
  • “You are so clingy.”  Instead say,  “I would like to hang out with my friends once a month.”

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  • Oftentimes it’s not what we say but how we say it that makes a huge difference in successful communication.
  • If you’re on the receiving end of a “needs” request.  One of the most important things to do is to try and accept the others person’s “quirks.”  You may not understand why he or she likes things done in a certain way or why something that seems so trivial to you may be important to them.  The more you can compromise, and accommodate, each other’s unique needs the happier you both will be.

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  • There’s a right way and a wrong way to do things.  I think we all want the best results from our relationships.

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Communication

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  • Prosperity doesn’t just mean “money”.  It means “wholeness”.  God wants you to be whole (translation: successful),  in every area of your life.

Verse of the day:

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Dating after Divorce

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Think nothing can be more stressful than a divorce?  Try dating after a divorce, which can be a major source of anxiety for recently separated singles.  Navigating the dating scene after divorce does involve getting out of your comfort zone.  But it doesn’t have to be as stressful if you’re willing to embrace a healthy mindset. People expect that dating will be the same as it was in their 20’s and it’s not at all.  The pool is different at this age and stage of your life.  People have life experiences and stress to contend with.

Although things have changed out in the world and in your relationships, meeting new people doesn’t have to be an anxiety inducing experience.  With the right mindset and your willingness to embrace this period in your life it can actually be quite interesting and fun and help you to focus on the future!

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  1. Get in touch with yourself first.  Before you even think of going on a date you need time.  You need time for the process to run it’s course.  You need time to grieve, time to reflect, time to heal, time for prayer to seek God’s direction for the next phase of your life.  You really want to focus on yourself at this point.  Your needs, your desires, being good to yourself and being patient with yourself.  Do renew your image with an updated wardrobe and a little pampering.  After you have regained your strength you’re going to desire the company of a man.  The best way to get over a man is with a new man, a better man!

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2. Connect with single friends.  Begin to socialize with other singles with whom you have common ground.  Don’t sit at home waiting for the phone to ring or watching your inbox.  You can actually be out having a good time and being seen and not waiting around for him.  Often when a woman releases herself from the pressure of the “wait game” and just decides “you know what”  I’m going to enjoy myself anyway with or without a man, that’s usually when he arrives.

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3. Get online and keep your options open.   Chances are having been married for so long you’re not the “club or bar” type girl.  You’re probably not socializing much at this point and frankly putting yourself out there again is intimidating.  Exploring your options online in private is a more comfortable situation for you.  Find a reputable site.  Stay away from the “hook up sites” as you are looking for a suitable companion leading to a mature long-term relationship.  Only respond to men that are on the same page as you otherwise you’re just wasting time.  There are many suitable professionals online who are looking for quality companions.

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4. Don’t get discouraged when things don’t work out.  It’s part of the process . Every date you have is not going to be a home run, and it’s okay.  The point is you’re back in the game and you’re bound to hit it out of the park at some point.  It’s about meeting new people and having a good time regardless of the outcome because guess what tomorrow is another day!

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5.  Don’t dish on the details too early.  Prepare in advance what you want your date to know about you.  Do not talk about your messy divorce, or how you’re in a custody battle.  Keep conversation light and fun.

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6. Be a good listener.  Everyone likes to be heard.  Some women sabotage their date by talking too much and not letting their date get a word in edge wise.  This is a bad start and not the type of woman who’s going to get asked out for a second date.

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7.  Plan your conversations.  It’s been a long time since you were out in the dating world.  You may be a little rusty keeping chatter lively.  It would be beneficial for you to plan what you’re going to say or what questions you want to ask.  This is simply called having a game plan.  Ask questions about their interests and what they like to do for fun.  This way you get to learn more about them and keep control of the conversation.

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8. Be a little mysterious.  Remember your date wants to know about you.  Have a few fun stories that will let your personality shine without giving away too much. The first date is a preview not the time to tell your whole life story.  If the question comes up “Why did you break up?”  Have a prepared answer that’s simple and to the point like “We grew apart” or “We wanted different things out of life”, and move on.

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9.  Take it slow.  When you are dating post divorce, yes you would like to meet someone, but it doesn’t have to be that day.  Take your time until the right person comes along.  It may be weeks, months or even  years, and that’s totally normal.

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10.  Meet in a public place for first dates, or maybe for the first few dates.  However long it takes for you to be comfortable.  Whether it’s lunch, dinner, or for coffee.  It could be a group date with other people for the first time.  You can decide if you would like to have a solo date with him.  Stay safe.

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11.  Watch out for red flags.  Don’t ignore them because you’re eager to have someone in your life again.  If something or someone doesn’t seem right to you or are too good to be true it probably is.  Trust your instincts.  After what you’ve been through the last thing you want to do is invite drama into your life.

Verse of the Day:

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Breaking Addictions

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Addictions are not exclusive to drugs alone nor are they solely physically based.  Addiction can be psychological or physically based.  So what is Addiction?  Addiction is a condition that results when a person engages in an activity that can be pleasurable but the continued act or use of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work, relationships or health.

  • A physical condition.  This is a biological state in which the body adapts to the presence of a drugs or alcohol.
  • A psychological addiction.  The need to take action under certain kinds of stresses, and can account for why people switch addictive actions to one substance or another, or a person place or  thing.
  • Addiction is a spiritual problem.  You have to gain control of your spirit.  Proverbs 25:28, “a man that has no control over his spirit is like a city broken into without walls.”  There’s no chemical solution to a spiritual problem.  You may sincerely want to stop the addiction in your life , Paul said in Romans 7 :15, “the thing I want to do I don’t do and the thing I don’t want to do I do.”  The reason addiction is so hard to break is Galatians 5:17, “the flesh is opposed to the spirit and the spirit opposed to the flesh.”

Top 10 Addictions

1. Drugs

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Crystal Meth and powder cocaine

Depending on how long you’ve been using, you can either go cold turkey or you may need to go to a treatment center.  All major cities have drug abuse centers.

2. Porn

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Therapist tell clients not to fight the urges let them come but only don’t succumb to them either.  If porn is your habit replace that habit with something positive that will benefit you.  Hypnosis are used in overcoming addictions as well.  There is help if you can’t do it on your own and there’s lots of information on porn addiction and how to kick on the internet.

3. Food

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Emotional eating is when you eat when you’re sad, eat when your happy, eat for no reason at all other than the fact that food comforts you.  Ballooning your weight to three hundred pounds is not healthy nor does it benefit you in any way positive.

4. Gambling

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Gamblers usually have to hit rock bottom and loose everything before their addiction gets their attention.  Gamblers anonymous is one of the oldest organizations to help with gambling addictions.

5. A man

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You can’t stand the thought of being away from him even for a second.  So you constantly call, text, email, stop by unexpectedly.  Constantly question him about where he is or who he’s with.  Therapy can help with addiction to a person and help you to identify some underlying issues you may have that cause you to be insecure.

6. Smoking

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1, 2, 3, packs or more a day, everyday, all year long.  Smoking can lead to of course cancer, emfazema, heart disease, birth defects, diabetes, wrinkles.  There are a thousand ways to kick, there’s the smoking patch, the gum, or vapor can be used to ween you off smoking.

 

7. Smart Phone addiction

If your phone causes you to be withdrawn from social interaction and you can’t be without it even for a single second it’s obsessive.  It’s the 21st century addiction.  Phone and internet addictions are real and there’s treatment.  Look up phone and internet addiction on the net.

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8. Internet

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Do you spend more time on the net than with family and friends?  Does the internet consume your life? You are addicted to the internet and not know it.  There is help to get your usage under control.

9. Video Games

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8.5 percent of American youth are addicted to video games.  Our son spends a lot of time on video games but we’re not worried because he also has a job and a social life.  But again, if it causes your children to not be engaged in real life that’s when it becomes a problem.  Internet, phone and video game addiction fall under the same umbrella and there is help.

10. Pain killers, prescription meds

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FDA approved prescription meds abuse is on the rise.  They can be quite tough to kick the longer you abuse them.  People are using rehabs to combat this almost epidemic use of prescription meds.

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Verse of the Day:

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Spending Quiet time with God

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We were created to have fellowship with God. This is the most basic thing you can do in order to grow.  He died so that we can have a relationship with him.  This relationship is the goal of Christianity and where the true joy in being a Christian is found.  So if we neglect it we’re missing the whole point. Personally I can’t make it without Him!  And there is no other help that I know of.

When you have a problem do you run to the phone or the throne?  Because see, family and friends are great, but they cannot help us the way God can.  They don’t have His resurrection power to change our lives, change our hearts, change our minds, and ultimately change our futures.  Now, God will use people to work through to bless you, but even that is by his power!  Zechariah 4:6, “Not by your power, nor by might but by my Spirit saith the Lord!”

You don’t have the power in and of yourself to change things, and without God you will be in a constant state of struggle for the rest of your life.  Don’t you want to come to a place in your life where you stop struggling?  Don’t you want to come to a place where things begin to get easier for you?  That’s what happens when you spend time with God and build relationship with Him.  He will be with you, He will “send the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth”, John 16:13.

It’s the truth that sets us free.  It’s not the truth about somebody else that sets us free it’s the truth about you.  And when we can see ourselves clearly we can change anything.  He will send His angels to protect to you.  You will be able to hear his voice, he will give you discernment.  Does this mean you will never have a problem?  No it does not.  God’s word tells us clearly in the bible that the “rain falls on the just and unjust alike”,  Matthew 5 :45.

What He will do is give you peace in the middle of the trial and you will grow, and become more spiritually strong.  The more I learned to lean on God the more I realized how much I needed Him. I need Him to be able to hold my peace when I don’t feel like it.  I need Him to be able to hold my tongue, I need Him to help me make right decisions, I need His protection from enemies, I need Him to prosper, I need Him to teach me the right way to do things.  I need Him to forgive when I don’t feel like it.  I need Him to be able to Love when it’s not easy, I need Him to be patient with me, I need Him to help me be patient with others.  I need Him to give me favor with the right connections and people in life.  Proverbs 21:1, “The heart of the king is in God’s hands.”

Some of you may be frustrated right now and don’t know why.  You’re frustrated because you’re disconnected from the source.  The lamp does not come on when it’s not plugged in.  You have to be connected to the source.  Your soul belongs to God.  John 15:5, “I am the vine and you are the branches if you abide in me you will bear much fruit but apart from me you can do nothing.”

As God is a spirit how do I spend time with God?

  • Through Prayer
  • Simply reading God’s word from the bible.  His word contains power and goes to work on your mind as you read!  Hebrews 4:12,  “For the word of God is living and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword  piercing even to the dividing  asunder of soul and spirit  and of the joints and marrow and is a discerner of thoughts and intents of the heart.”  Luke 7:14,  “They got healed as they went.”
  • Talking to him, talk as if talking to a friend he hears you.  Some days I simply tell him, God it’s going to be a tough day I need you to help get me through this.  Other times I like to thank him for my many blessings and relay them in my mind and out loud to him like, God thank you for helping me to get my college degree, thank you for helping me with the enormous cost of this or that.  Thank you that I’m in good health.  God I need help with discipline on and on and on.  I bring it all to Him!!  And you never get to a point where you’re this perfect person but you’re better than you used to be.  Things just seem to flow more naturally and like Paul says, I may not be there yet, “but this one thing I do forgetting what lies behind and pressing on to those things which are ahead” Philippians 3:13.
  • Quiet your soul. Get rid of the distractions.  Turn the phone off, turn the TV off, turn the radio off, you may even need to tune out some people.  Get by yourself and fellowship with God. Mark 1:35,  “Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray.”

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What happens when we spend time with God?

  • We can refocus and get our minds off the world and the worries around us
  • We more easily find out what God wants for our lives.
  • We find it easier to worship Him
  • We become more like Him
  • Most importantly the more time we spend with God the more we love Him!

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Verse Of the Day:

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