To take arguments down a notch, start sentences with “I” not “You” suggests Lind Hill Professor of business administration at Harvard Law School. This will help the other person to see your perspective and understand that you’re not trying to blame them for the problem. Don’t play the blame game. It does not accomplish anything, you might say “well it was their fault.” Okay but no matter whose fault it is, it’s up to the both of you to work through the problem to find the solution.
What affects you affects me. So like adults you arrive at a place of decision so that you may move forward. The problem is in the process of trying to reach the destination. Tempers flare, and communication decreases into a full-blown argument where both parties are yelling to be heard because no one is listening. This is counterproductive.
Rather than thinking about what you want to say in an argument consider what you want to learn. Ask yourself. What was my part in this? What could I have done better? What can we do together to make this situation better? Or what can we do to eliminate this type of situation from happening in the future. Take the focus off of each other as the “bad guy”. Instead focus on the problem. What can we do to combat this?
1. Pause.Stop. Reset. Walk away if you have to. Sometimes a person’s emotions are so out of control at that moment that there is no calming them down. In these moments one of you has to stay calm! It takes two to tango. And if you stand there and trade anger for anger it’s going to escalate with no resolution. Recognize when this is happening and say “We’ll talk later when we’re both calmer.”
2. Listen and Cushion your blows. Listen to your partner’s concerns, think, then respond. You cannot both yell and hope to be heard. In addition sit down and hear each other out. A study done at Harvard shows people are more calm and more receptive to what you have to say if they’re sitting down.
3. Be willing to approach difficult topics. Talk in a calm tone. If you always feel like it’s not a good idea to approach difficult topics, they won’t get resolved. Those difficult topics could have been diffused with a heart to heart become big problems that drag on and become harder later. Nip it in the bud as soon as possible to avoid big storms.
4. Touch to ease tensions. Putting your hands on your partner’s knee or holding hands can take the sting out of an argument or squabble.
5. Ask Questions. Do you have any suggestions on how you would like to handle this? How can we move from where we are to where we want to be?
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Smart Christian Woman Magazine 